30 Day Challenge: Day 20

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More than half way done and I am beginning to review my place. Mostly because I never finish anything. Well, I guess that isn’t true. I managed to finish my first book but that came at a cost of sleepless nights and frustrated days. It didn’t help that I was going through a depressive state throughout which made it 100 times harder to get things done.

This is the major reason I over think or re-evaluate decisions. I will challenge myself while in a manic state to jump-start my creative juices. Then in the midst of things I will hit a depressive lull and the entire project will go down the tubes.

That is the loveliness of bipolar. You never know when the manic stage is coming nor when the depression is going to smack you in the face. Aside from not knowing when, you also don’t know how long either of these states will last. Sometimes hours, days or weeks But there is the rare occasion that a stage can last a month or two. While I haven’t had a manic state last that long, I have had depressive ones that seemed never-ending.

Each day is a fight.

Some may think when I don’t post I’m just being lazy. Nope. Aside from all the hats that I wear, some days I am fighting just to do the minimum. This means that I may not get around to posting on that particular day. It’s not that I’m not being consistent at all. It’s probably a day I woke up and had to drag myself out of bed just to get the average stuff taken care of.

Do I like the fact that my blogs suffer due to my illness? Of course not. At this point it’s a matter of getting through it or around it. Bipolar will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. However, it doesn’t have to control my life. This has controlled me for way too long and I am getting to the point where I have had enough.

When I released “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly”, it was just a stepping stone for beginning the journey of getting through being bipolar. Now, after nearly a year after it came out, I am still leading the charge in my life. I’ve looked into Depression and Bipolar Associations. It rather sucks because there are no prominent ones in my tri-state area but I think I can change that. People still do not understand the depth in which a disorder like bipolar can change a person, friendship or family. I want to make people more aware.

So this is something else in these 30 days that I’ve had an epiphany on. It’s actually refreshing to openly talk about this with all of you. And hopefully you will help me in support of those who suffer from disorders such as bipolar. We ARE still human even with our quirks.

Oh What A Day

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Yesterday had to be one of the worst days I have had in some time – mentally and emotionally. No matter how much I tried to make things better, they got tremendously worse.

Firstly, I awoke with a banging headache and my back felt like I’d been hit by a car. It could have been due to the extensive kickboxing lessons I’ve taken. Or the fact, while overselling a joke, I tripped over the curb and took a tumble the night before. Nevertheless, these aches were nothing to cry over.

Then it happened. In my personal life I received a HUGE blow. I uncovered some really disturbing information. It was as if someone with the largest hands, pulled back as far as they could and slapped me in the face. You know, the kind of slap that is bound to leave a distinctive hand print.

At this point, there could be no possible way that things could get any worse. At least, that is what I thought. And then reality struck.

My driver’s license and debit card were missing. The last time I had them was the night before. I am very careful about things like this and came to the conclusion that the cards must have fallen out while I was overselling my joke. (I’ve been warned by friends about overselling jokes too.)

Regardless that all these issues were happening, and at a rapid pace, I was still resilient and continued with my day. It can’t get any worse, right? Wrong.

A writing job that I had been in the running for decided not to pick me for their project. Applicants had been asked to write articles of different styles and lengths to pass to the next level of hiring. I had reached the last level and was ultimately turned down. That was saddening enough, mostly because I really wanted and needed the job. It would have been the highest paying writing gig I’ve ever had. Not getting the job was bad enough but the coordinator wrote me a very disheartening email about my final article.

It said, “Thank you for your contribution. Unfortunately, the quality of the content is well below what we are looking for….The article is not up to the high standards that we have here at our company.” My ego was crushed, especially because the first couple articles I wrote were praised for their uniqueness and that I had a “desirable writing style”. Also, I worked really hard on them.

Reeling from all the bad news and bad luck, I took a moment to breathe. My emotions were all over the place and I began beating myself up mentally trying to figure out what I could have written differently.

After my moment of irritation and a bit of self-loathing, I decided the best thing to do was to work on #NaNoWriMo. This would bring up my spirits, especially due to the fact that I am working on The Langley Heights Chronicles. Fans that have been around from the beginning know that rehashing the idea for this novel is a big deal for me.

It was going great. I was typing furiously, fueled by the day’s frustrations, and determined to add to my word count. A few thousand words in, the laptop stalls out of no where. Immediately, I’m telling myself, “Oh, I have to save before this thing loses my work.” Before there was even a chance to hit Save, the words that no writer wants to see popped up – Microsoft Office Word Is Not Responding.

“No, no, no, no,” I said aloud to myself. Then I thought, there was no way that after all that typing, the program didn’t auto-save at least once. So, I calmed down and reopened Word. Scrolling down to start where I left off, I realized what I had feared. All of the work I had done, the thousands of words typed, were gone. My response, “Oh Hell!”

This is when I shut all the windows that were up on the computer, laid down and pulled the covers over my head. To be totally honest, I was surprised I had gone so long through the day before I got to that point. I’ve worked hard at not allowing things to get me down to control my bipolar reactions. It has been really working for me too.

So my long and stressful day came to an end with me laying down and contemplating all that had occurred; the aches, the emotional slap, the ego burst, and the mental break. What could I do to counteract it all? I fell asleep to this thought, not working until 1 a.m. as I usually do.

Waking up this morning, back still aching; instead of lying around and reliving the awful day that I had. I decided to get straight up, hop on the computer and begin this day with confidence. No need to allow a bad day to ruin the rest of my week.

F.Y.I. – I am riding a creative high with the determination to make today great. Be ready for a lot of stuff coming from me, not to overwhelm you but to excite you.

Until next time.

 

 

Adding To The Poetry

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When I decided to publish The Good, The Bad & The Ugly it was a way for me to get rid of my fear of being judged. For so long, I felt that people would criticize the words I write. I felt that if I published them it would leave me raw and exposed to what others thought of me.

Now, after publishing I have a new sense of what I am capable of.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly: The Struggles of Being Bipolar allows readers to look into my thought process during my bipolar episodes. The verses are personal but serve the purpose of being a comfort and a learning experience.

After putting forth this book I planned to publish fiction next. However, I feel that I should continue to give the world the personal side of me through poetry first. It just seems a better choice.

My subjects surround having a child at an early age, being the black sheep of my family, my abusive marriage and turning to drugs and alcohol when my depression became overwhelming. All of these things comfort people like me and teach people who know nothing about these things.

Honestly, it scares me to be this open about my life, but it seems necessary in my effort of becoming a prolific writer. To my understanding, readers enjoy a writer that speaks to them personally. All the subjects that I have chosen touch all kinds of people and don’t relay to only one type of person.

I am so excited about being able to share these things with others. It is not a means to expose or disrespect anyone. It is a way for me to grow as a person and a writer. My hopes are that you continue to grow with me and accept all the truths I am telling.

Until next time.

 

Crazy

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The confident persona that hides the little girl

Screaming, crying, frustrated with the world

No one hears her sobbing while she dies inside

Too busy staring at the mask she wears on the outside

Gracious and kind

Slowly losing her mind

Pain runs through her like blood flow

The tears give her a saddened glow

Trying desperately to ignore it all

Can you hear her pleas and calls

She screams for happiness in vain

Are you listening? She’s going insane

Hiding in the shadows of a face barely aged

Within, all she feels is rage

Shielding herself from all outside forces

The pain has too many sources

Waiting for some kind of sign

Deteriorating with time

There is a need to rebuild the soul

Shed all of the past woes

Release all fear of judgment

Search for true sustenance

Let the butterfly wings spread

Before the inner torment deems her dead

 

For more poetry and prose, check out The Good, The Bad & The Ugly: The Struggle of Being Bipolar

 

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