30 Day Challenge: Day 20

More than half way done and I am beginning to review my place. Mostly because I never finish anything. Well, I guess that isn’t true. I managed to finish my first book but that came at a cost of sleepless nights and frustrated days. It didn’t help that I was going through a depressive state throughout which made it 100 times harder to get things done.

This is the major reason I over think or re-evaluate decisions. I will challenge myself while in a manic state to jump-start my creative juices. Then in the midst of things I will hit a depressive lull and the entire project will go down the tubes.

That is the loveliness of bipolar. You never know when the manic stage is coming nor when the depression is going to smack you in the face. Aside from not knowing when, you also don’t know how long either of these states will last. Sometimes hours, days or weeks But there is the rare occasion that a stage can last a month or two. While I haven’t had a manic state last that long, I have had depressive ones that seemed never-ending.

Each day is a fight.

Some may think when I don’t post I’m just being lazy. Nope. Aside from all the hats that I wear, some days I am fighting just to do the minimum. This means that I may not get around to posting on that particular day. It’s not that I’m not being consistent at all. It’s probably a day I woke up and had to drag myself out of bed just to get the average stuff taken care of.

Do I like the fact that my blogs suffer due to my illness? Of course not. At this point it’s a matter of getting through it or around it. Bipolar will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. However, it doesn’t have to control my life. This has controlled me for way too long and I am getting to the point where I have had enough.

When I released “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly”, it was just a stepping stone for beginning the journey of getting through being bipolar. Now, after nearly a year after it came out, I am still leading the charge in my life. I’ve looked into Depression and Bipolar Associations. It rather sucks because there are no prominent ones in my tri-state area but I think I can change that. People still do not understand the depth in which a disorder like bipolar can change a person, friendship or family. I want to make people more aware.

So this is something else in these 30 days that I’ve had an epiphany on. It’s actually refreshing to openly talk about this with all of you. And hopefully you will help me in support of those who suffer from disorders such as bipolar. We ARE still human even with our quirks.

30 Day Challenge: Day 13

The morning started as it usually did, quiet and energy filled. It was a little gloomy outside but it was to be expected with the rain forecasted.

Before I could get myself situated I received a phone call that struck my nerves so hard I snapped.

For those of you who do not know, I was the victim of domestic violence for 7 years at the hands of my ex-husband. There are things that occurred at those times that still shake me to the core as if they happened yesterday.

Nevertheless, for about 6 years now my ex-husband hasn’t laid a finger on me. He comes to pick the kids up and that’s that. But I realized something – the abuse is still ongoing.

While he may not put his hands on me, he still will be disrespectful and rude whenever it suits him. Anytime things go wrong in his life he calls me and lays me out.  Ironically, even though I have nothing to do with it and aside from our children, I don’t associate with him.

This realization of mental and emotional abuse was enough to make me nauseous. I hadn’t even noticed it before mostly because I try my best to keep the peace and keep our dealings kid related.

Abuse is a hard thing to get past and get over, especially when the perpetrator is still in your life one way or another. Unfortunately for me, I have to deal with him due to our children but that doesn’t mean I have to continue to allow him any sort of power over me.

Late last year after I released “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly: The Struggles of Being Bipolar”, I decided my second release was going to be about the domestic violence I had gone through entitled, “Married to a Monster”. The topic was hard for me to deal with at the time and I pushed the book to the back burner.

Now that I have finally had enough I believe this is a literary work that I need to put into my schedule of to-dos.  I can’t be scared that the content is too painful and leaves me open to old scars. I had to realize that, if not for myself, I owed it to women everywhere suffering from domestic violence. I have to show them that they have a voice and should not be afraid to speak up and speak out. And if they are anything like I was a few years back where they believe that it’s all their fault, I will be their shoulder.

This is the day I finally say to my ex-husband and any abusive individual out there –

YOU DON’T OWN ME OR ANYONE ELSE. YOU ARE A COWARD AND WEAK EVEN WHEN YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO MAKES YOU STRONG AND DOMINANT. YOU MAY THINK THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH ALL YOU’VE DONE BUT I AM HERE TO EXPOSE YOU. I AM HERE TO TAKE YOU DOWN A PEG AND GET YOU TO REALIZE THAT YOU DON’T CONTROL ME. I CONTROL ME.

Sold

Hey everyone!

Things have gotten so hectic on my end. It’s been a real roller coaster, but I am loving it to be totally honest.

I’m checking in to let you know that I sold my first e-book for The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. I couldn’t stop smiling when it happened.

As for the paperback, people have bought up the ones I had. So much so that I am now sold out. Woo Hoo!

It’s a great accomplishment and I couldn’t do any of it without the support and love from all of you.

No worries. I haven’t forgotten about you. I’ll be posting some new blogs starting tomorrow as long as I’m not bombarded with emails and phone calls.

I have to say I am on top of the world and my hope is that is continues.

Thanks again everyone and if you haven’t purchased a copy of The Good, The Bad & The Ugly just follow the link to your right.

Would YouTube Work?

Well, I hope that everyone’s weekend was as relaxing as mine. I was thankful for the relaxation considering that work was crazy yesterday as well as today.

In publishing my first book I have found it so rewarding. Many people have come out and said that they struggle with or understand bipolar. It’s been pretty cool.

I don’t know if you guys remember, but at one point I explained how I am deathly afraid of performing. I did get to read in front of an intimate crowd of maybe 10 last year but it is nothing like what I wish to do.

If you don’t know, I will tell you I am a nervous performer. I mean, sweating profusely and hyperventilating really bad. It’s so mind-numbing. However, I would love to perform for a crowd. Seriously.

So I was thinking, maybe, I could use YouTube to get over my fear. You know, read/speak the poems from The Good, the Bad & the Ugly and create a video for it. Does that make sense?

Honestly, it would be, like I said, a way to get over my fear. I think maybe if enough people vibe with how I speak my work and feel what I write, it will ease my soul enough to be able to do it for real, in public.

What do you think? Could YouTube help me get over my fear of performing?